The Tape
by ForeverUnknownOooooh
Summary: It's only a few months untill Edward and Bella's wedding so Esme and Carlisle decide to take a much-needed break away. What happens when Emmett finds several unmarked discs? And what happens when the Cullen family decide to watch them? Chaos. Light-hearted, funny oneshot on why secrets are best left as secrets. Canon pairings. Please R&R


_**Hello,**_

 _ **This was just a fun little idea that sprung to mind, please enjoy the juvenile quality of it all. I've had updated it to correct any spelling and typo errors which were seriously bugging me but for now less is more and I have no current plans to add another chapter. No matter how tempted I become, lol.  
**_

 _ **Thank you, enjoy.**_

* * *

 **Edward's Point of View**

'Are you _sure_ you're going to be okay?' Esme asks, placing a soft hand against my face and looking so deeply within my eyes that for the moment it is easy to forget my hundred odd years over the physical seventeen.

'Of course.' I reply for the thirtieth time, leaning slightly into her warmth and trying with little effort to dissipate her worries.

 _We don't have to leave…_

'Yes you do.' I say aloud, ignoring the slight pout on her face as she looks from me and my beloved to the remaining siblings, all impatient from their over-dramatic departure.

'We'll be home before you graduate.' She promises, looking more at Alice now rather than myself. This is an obvious point. She hasn't missed a single graduation since we started enrolling into high-school. Even when they conflicted with her busy schedule itself.

Carlisle is stood stoically by her side, head tilted towards me affectionately as he tries to hide his amusement at his wife's hatred for goodbyes.

'You needn't bother. You've seen it a thousand times.'

She ignores my criticism and turns to Bella to hug her as tightly as she can while still falsifying human nature. In which case means that for her usual mothering hug, it's nothing but a shield of posture.

'This one is especially important, though.' She looks at my beautifully blusing fiancee as she replies, smiling lovingly before returning the same affection down the line of siblings.

'Love…?' Carlisle murmurs, his gold eyes flashing to mine then towards the car.

 _Will you be okay?_ He thinks carefully, pretending not to be discoursing with me in our usual manner.

I nod slightly, fighting the urge to roll my eyes.

'Don't break anything!' She warns, pointing to Jasper, her gold emotive eyes holding Emmett who, in turn, guffaws loudly.

 _Please don't let them_ -

'I won't.' I say irritably, belittling his concerns with another straight faced glare. 'Now go, before you miss your flight.'

Again.

'We can wait, there's no rush-'

'Goodbye.' I repeat, emphasising the closure. She frowns, the darker shade of her eyebrows pulling down over her eyelids.

 _Don't be rude_.

'Stop stalling, then. You've been away several times before and nothing bad has happened.'

Emmett's inward snort rattles through our heads as a series of near misses occur in my brain like a montage. All of them justifying her anxiety.

'You could use some time away.' Alice says softly, scrunching her nose just slightly in what can be presumed is a distaste at the year's events. I couldn't tell if our parents were more exhausted by me, by Bella, by another murderous issue or rather, all of the above.

I hate Alice in that moment because my father of sorts can't help but accidently agree and a collection of private and disturbing coupling suggestions come hurtling through his head. I flinch and he quickly changes his thought process to the journey. _Sorry_.

'Just go.' I beg.

He smiles crookedly and touches Esme lightly on the shoulder. She sighs, casts her miserable gaze to her daintyshoes and returns to hug Bella once more.

'Be safe, okay? Try not to fall over and remember to study.' Again those mothering eyes look up to me. 'That's for _both_ of you.'

'HA!'

'It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to retake either, Emmett.' She teases, affectionately squeezing his arm before letting Carlisle softly tug her towards the car.

'I have time.' He retorts with a shrug.

Jasper snorts and receives an arm punch from around Rosalie's back. In return Emmett is dealt with an upper cut to the ribs and they very nearly fall into a tenderly scrap.

'Boys!' She says shrilly, hand on the passenger side of the door. 'At least wait till we're gone?!'

Carlisle touches Bella's chin, puts a hand on my shoulder and breathes deeply before also climbing into the car.

'Have fuuuun!' Alice sings joyously.

'Enjoy!' Bella agrees.

'Bye, Mom.'

I give both a brief salute to the car and in an instant, it's gone down the path.

We all look to each other. Me to Rosalie's indifferent expression, Japer to Bella, Alice to Emmett and with little more than a sentence we all turn back into the house.

The last thing I catch from the car pulling off of the drive is her mothering concerns, falling in a whisper when she aligns her hand over Carlisle's wrist;

' _Are you sure this is wise?_ '

* * *

Having done the same classes so many times before, I'm taking a careless step on the back pedal and while Bella lays uncomfortably on the bed, deliberately distorting her body to seem ever more appealing while she studies, I bury myself in her long locks and inhale that sweet freesia scent.

'Edward…' She sighs reproachfully, fingering the book in her hand as display though I can see it perfectly well.

'Hmm?'

I curl a long brown lock between my fingers, enjoying the itch as it weaves through my grip to align with gravity. Then I grasp another strand.

'Edward….' She repeats a little more firmly.

I smirk and continue my interest.

'Ed-'

She's cut off by the ringing phone. I sigh heavily and look up to the ceiling to stop from rolling my eyes.

'Don't bother.' Rosalie mutters from downstairs.

' _Do_ bother.' Alice corrects from her room.

Part of me is already siding with Rosalie, however, I couldn't blame Esme. In fact it still flattered me she worried so much over us and of course the house. Yet at the same time, it bothered me too. At least currently. It had a way of deeming us all so childish and delicate...

So for a few moments I let it's rude and obnoxious tone ring out.

'Answer it, then.' Says Bella, frowning at me. I shrug and lean towards her again.

'If you don't, they'll only keep trying.' Alice threatens.

With a groan, I open it up.

'We're fine, Esme. Please stop worrying.'

' _No, no, Son. It's not that. I was wondering if we'd left the passports in our room?_ '

It is both unlike Carlisle to be so disorganised and to call.

'You mean you don't have them?'

' _We have the old ones. I'm hoping we packed the new ones but if we did they could be at the bottom of the suitcase._ '

'Oh.'

' _I'd rather not disturb Alice's packing if I can help it._ ' He explains with a chuckle

'Noted.'

Because Emmett's closest to the landing anyway, I ask him to have a look. There's nothing.

'It's in the very top zip of the green suitcase.' Alice says from the doorway, indicating to Bella that she is required for yet another measurements service.

' _Found them_.' Carlisle sighs, hearing Alice's words perfectly.

'It's unlike you to be so disorganised.' I vocalise, laughing slightly.

' _I think we're too used to the natural rhythm of our regular lives._ '

'A break away with do you both good, then.'

' _Yes_.' But in the background I hear the wistful sigh coming from Esme.

'You didn't have to go to _there_ , Carlisle…' I wait till Bella is grumpily following Alice to expand. She's frowning like usual. 'I'm sure it's perfect how it stands.'

' _Yes…well… It is.-_ ' The tone changes as Esme takes the receiver. ' _It's just not wedding-worthy_.'

'You should know.' I laugh. 'Thank you both.'

' _We'll see you when we get back._ '

'Stay safe.' I say, thumb hanging over the button.

' _Oh- Edward_!'

'What now?!'

' _…Look after everything?_ '

'Of course, Mom.' I emphasise the last word as a tease but I can still imagine the glorious smile that lights up her face whenever we call her that.

' _We'll miss you_.'

'And I, you. Now I'll speak to when you get back-'

We're interrupted by Emmett's booming laughter: 'OH MY FUCK! CHECK IT OUT!'

' _What was that?_ ' She asks panicked.

'Nothing. Emmett and Jasper probably. All is fine, we'll talk later-'

' _Edward_!'

'BYE!'

I slam the phone shut and take the soft walk to the sound of Emmett's horrified murmurs in Carlisle's study. His brain is overloaded with thought upon thought at the moment so I can't even try to work out what is going on but Jasper quickly appears by my side, a frown etched on his face to accompany a smirk.

 _After you_.

We reach Emmett in milliseconds and he's grinning so widely I'm already regretting opening myself up to the curiosity.

'Urm?'

'Check it out!'

'What?!' I ask confused, still trying to work out what he's thinking and all I'm getting is images of him surrounded by lots of films and sitting in what appears to be a cinema. I shake the image away.

'LOOK!'

'What?!' I ask exasperated. Jasper is trying to keep things calm but all it does is make Emmett burst into ear-splittingly loud laughter. With two broad hands, he gestures towards the desk where Esme's stationary file is.

'Point?' Jasper questions, already turning on his heels to return to his history books.

'Look!'

'We _are_ looking!'

 _There's no video camera_!

'And?'

'DO YOU HAVE VAMPIRE SIGHT OR NOT?!'

'Em?!'

'LOOK!'

Jasper, annoyed at my silent discovery, takes a peak round the desk to see what Emmett is all excited about. I follow. The bottom drawer is open and the backing, or what looks like the backing of the drawer hasn't been replaced properly. There's tonnes and tonnes of discs.

'And?' I repeat, annoyed.

'A discovery.' He delights, a warm smile turning his face upwards. He beams excitedly as he files through them all.

 _Man, what if it's like cool Volturi secrets? Or old films? Or Government files!_ Trust Emmett to get surprised over secrets. It's pathetic. He just loved to know everything.

I look closer to see more of the many discs catching the ceiling light but I'm not sure until I pull the backing away completely. What did we need so many discs for?

'They're just blank CDs?' I say, confused.

Jasper snatches the one I'm holding and holds it horizontally towards the light, squinting.

'They're not blank?' He murmurs, that furrowed frown still clear on his face.

'Oh-kay. A drawer full of CD's then?' I correct, uninterested.

'I wonder what's on them?' Emmett grins, madness lighting his maniac grin.

'Probably old age music.' I say with a shrug.

'Or podcasts.' Jasper adds.

'Maybe research.'

Who cares? He closes. On that agreed note, I drop the remaining CDs in the drawer and turn towards the door to leave, Jasper's crticisms only slightly louder than my own.

'Wait!'

 _Why have CDS_?

'What do you mean?'

Jasper, a blank expression now restoring the frown looks again at the CDs before reading Emmet's train of confusion.

'Why do they have a bunch of CDs _hidden_ in a drawer in their room?'

'I thought we already established that?'

Though Emmett does raise an interesting point; Why have so many CDs with the amount of hard drives that littered the place?

'It wouldn't be music.' I realise, thinking across to Carlisle's stack of records downstairs in the dining room/

'He puts his podcasts with his music.' Jasper agrees. _Movies_?

'It could be.'

'Could be what?' Emmett asks, alighted. I roll my eyes.

'Jasper thinks it's old movies.'

'You know how much Esme loves a movie night.' He explains, finding entertainment in Emmett's own excited expression. Emmett had loved the cinema since he was a child and films also. It was a love that never faded. It was easy to realise his excitement now.

'That's true.'

 _Great, mystery solved._

We both turn towards the door again.

'Hold it!' Emmett orders, jumping in front of the door and blocking it with his hefty posture. It didn't matter that we outnumbered him, or that we could probably take him down when I could read every decision of his. His feet are firmly planted into the carpet.

'No.' I answer, already reading what he's thinking.

'Awww, come on. Movie nights are fun!'

'Yes but Bella has to study.'

'No she doesn't.' Jasper corrects darkly.

'Come on, take the night off. Call it family bonding time?!'

'No.'

'It would make Esme and Carlisle happy?'

'You're pathetic, Emmett.'

'It _would_ give us something to mention when they call again in four hours?' Says Jasper, shrugging his shoulders just slightly. We were blessed to have Alice sometimes.

'But you always pick such rubbish films!'

'Well none of these are labelled?' Emmett shows us the front of several more CDs where there is no stain of ink coating the top. 'It'll be like a lucky dip?'

I'm about to argue when I think about how much Bella would love the idea. She loved spending time with Emmett… _and_ she'd been studying all day. She could use a break.

'Fine.'

'Really?!' He asks excitedly.

'Yes, really. Grab whatever and we'll watch it when everyone is free in like an hour.'

'Aww, yeah! Bonding session is a go.'

I roll my eyes, wave him off and wait for the hour to be up.

* * *

Bella, although both happy and grumpy with Alice for some particular reason, is pleased for the interruption of a movie night. She curls up happily into my side, rattling of names of guests to Alice that occasionally occur in her head before hiding her face into me. I grin, grab a blanket to ensure her warmth and pick the best seat on the sofa.

Rosalie is sat on the opposite side of the room in the armchair, facing the TV with disgust at having been roped in for the night. Alice is chirpy and Jasper is patient.

Emmett has his arm full of DVDs.

'Now, we're all going to pick out a CD and to make it fair, we're going to block all the doors and watch them until we've seen everyone's choice of film.'

'Why?'

 _Why are we wasting our time?!_ Rosalie thoughtfully growls.

'Because you losers always find an excuse to leave and Bella is always a victim to her human needs-'

'Still am!' She adds, smiling.

'Well, consider this vampire patience training, then.'

'It sounds more like modern day torture.' Jasper mutters, throwing a smirk my way. _What is his obsession with Movie Night?_ I shrug back to him thinking to how bored he must be without Esme to irritate. Alice is too busy to respond to me anyway; she's got her full attention on the guest list and the more names she drags from Bella's mouth, the more she fits them into her planned seating like Tetris.

'Well, it'll be better than that because we'll be chilling out.'

I groan loudly: 'You said _one_ film before, Emmett. Not six!'

'What are you moaning about? We're fine, if Bella gets hungry there's food, water and a toilet?'

'Great, thank you.' She whispers quietly, her cheeks flaring up in embarrassment.

'So anyway, pick a film and while you pick a film, I'm going to put chains over the doors.'

'A chain is hardly going to stop us vampires, Em.' Jasper says with a belittling laugh.

'No but if you wreck the chain, you wreck the house and if you do that you'll make Esme sad.' _Shame about the silver-myth, eh?_ He adds for my benefit.

I'm about to argue when instead, I just look around the room, amazed he went to so much effort already to place furniture in the way.

'Is anyone else thinking this is a waste of a Friday night?'

'It's a waste of _a_ night.' Rose corrects sourly, glaring at her partner as if he was the biggest child that lived. She has a point though.

'So hold on-' I raise my hand in an attempt to silence everyone's internal complaints. Emmett is patiently waiting for me to continue.

'We pick out a film-?'

'Yes.'

' _Wait_ \- we pick out a film, each. You put them in the player-'

'And lock the cabinet.'

'And lock the cabinet?' I repeat with furrowed eyebrows. 'So that we watch everyone's film? And then you also barricade the doors so we can't leave?'

'Yes.'

I feel like hitting him but that's almost too obvious.

'And how will we get out once the films are over?' Bella says with a frown.

'I'll put the key with the last DVD in the slot.'

'The slot that you'll lock up?' I question, rubbing my forehead.

'Alright, I'll put it down the toilet or something instead.'

'Ew.' Alice squeals, leaning away from him.

'Exactly. No one will want to put their hand down the toilet so none of you will get out of it.'

I was irritated at yet another well-planned argument. Even though Bella was the only one who used the system, and Esme cleaned it religiously, the idea was still disturbing.

'Whatever.' Jasper shrugs, grabbing a CD from the pile and handing it to Emmett.

'It does sound like fun…' Bella whispers quietly, looking up to me in question.

'What, putting your hand down the toilet?'

'Emmett is obviously going to be doing that.' She grabs a CD from the pile also, shines the rainbow reflection onto my face and passes her chosen CD to my idiot brother. 'You like old movies.' She reminds me and I have to smile to hide my offence at the term 'old'.

I grab one from the pile and with a sigh, hand it to him.

'Alice?' He asks.

'I do have a _wedding_ to plan, you know!'

'Take a night off?' Bella offers enthusiastically. So she picks up a disc and hands it to Emmett.

'Babe?' He asks, smiling in a deliberate way that is obvious she likes. I almost wretch.

'This is dumb.'

'It'll be a laugh.' He says.

'Not if it's boring Medical documentaries.'

'We'll get through it.' He kneels on one knee at her feet, hands clasped in prayer almost.

'Fine.' With a bored hand, she adds her choice to the pile next to Emmett's.

 _2 hours and twenty three minutes. They're getting bored._

'Great.' I murmur to Alice.

* * *

It doesn't take long, unfortunately, for Emmett to set up his great dramatic cinema. As promised, he locks chains over the doors and the windows, he places all the discs in the slot and locks up the cabinet. He's sitting on the floor next to Rosalie's leg, having returned from hiding the key away, flicking with the remote to the TV.

'Anyone else wondering why he has all these padlocks?' Jasper asks, nodding to Emmett's utensils.

'NO!' I affirm loudly. I really don't want those images in my head if I can help it.

'Ready?'

'One minute.' Bella leaves to relieve herself.

'You do realise all we're going to be doing for the evening is watching boring medical pieces?'

Emmett shrugs. 'I still think their films.'

'They're probably collections of photos.' Alice adds, settling into Jasper's lap comfortably.

When Bella returns, she's gnawing on a sandwich and sits neatly next to me, a blanket at the side.

'Ready _now_?'

'Go ahead.' Rose groans.

It's dark in the room, the only light coming from the TV as we wait for the picture to appear on the screen. We wait a good five minutes and nothing, all I could hear was Em chewing on a bit of metal from across the room.

'File corrupted?' Jasper assumes.

'Maybe it's blank?' suggests Bella. I shake my head.

Suddenly, there's movement.

The large TV lights up again, and the black changes into a bright light. The camera adjusts and suddenly we're staring at a bed. A very familiar bed.

'Is that-'

And a familiar giggle echoes into shot followed by a wave of caramel curls.

'Awww, it's a home video!' Alice squeals excitedly, hands clasped together.

'Jeeez, that's the house from Canada, is it not?'

The shot becomes clearer as someone adjusts the camera.

 _Funny, I never remember them filming much_ Jasper thinks to me. I nod my head in agreement but it's still a nice memory. Esme comes into view then, her face broken out in laughter as, out of view, Carlisle alludes to something apparently mischievious.

It's a nice little image, them laughing together as they aim to choose a perfect spot for the camera but can't find anywhere other than the bed.

'They're so sweet.' Alice sighs, head tilted in appreciation. Carlisle, or rather, film Carlisle murmurs something.

' _It's perfect where it is my Love.'_

 _'Are you sure?'_

' _Can you see yourself?_ ' He asks with a small laugh. There's some noise as she suddenly hides behind the camera and loudly confirms she can.

 _'All is perfect.'_ He promises.

In the dark, Bella squeezes my hand, her smile growing. 'Wonder what they're filming about.'

'Probably some nature exhibit. Esme loves photography.' Especially of nature.

On the screen, the large smile of our mother comes back into view as she fiddles once again with the camera.

' _Is it on?'_

 _'I believe so?'_

 _'How do you know?'_

 _'Is the light flashing?'_

We all laugh as she comes closer to the camera so that all we see is her chin.

' _Are we recording?'_

' _We are recording_.' Carlisle confirms. She pulls back from the shot, Carlisle's arms tucked around her waist like a belt as he kisses her hair.

' _Well, hello_.' She greets to the camera. Again, we all laugh.

'They're so cute!' Alice sings again, nuzzling Jas softly. 'Hi Mom!'

' _It's a Thursday afternoon, Carlisle has finished his shift early-'_

' _What are you doing, my Love_ _?_ ' He asks from behind, laughing in her hair. Everyone seems so pleased for the hit of nostalgia that no one seems concerned at the rather intimate display of over-affection. Yet, to some extent is was nice to see them so loved up.

' _I'm obviously setting the tone.'_

' _My perfect cinematographer._ ' He commends proudly.

' _Anyway. It's a Thursday. The kids all have classes_ -'

'Knew there was a reason you couldn't hear us!' Emmett says jovially, the tiny bit of metal loudly turning around in his mouth.

' _Why don't we set the tone in actions, my Dear?'_

She rolls her eyes, stops herself from saying something and with a grin, turns to face him. Her long curly hair is flicking up at the back, he fiddles with it lovingly before pulling them into a midway shot.

'It makes you miss them already.' Bella sighs cheerfully.

Then something weird happens. Something _really_ weird. With the camera angle positioned to the top of the bed we see Carlisle leap, rather animal like, onto the covers and open out his arms to his wife. His wife, shyer, ignores the camera over her shoulder and clambers next to him to kiss him intently.

For a good ten minutes, confused; we all stare between the TV and one another eager for judgement.

'Erm?' Jasper asks, mouth covered by his hand.

 _So much for medical..._

'What are we watching?' I say slowly, avoiding the large images of my parents of the screen pressed so closed together as if they are from one body and not two.

'A home video?' Em guesses, shrugging.

Then... The unthinkable.

On the screen, Carlisle reaches up, arms pressing into her waist to kiss her a little more forcefully but with one hand, she throws him back to the bed.

We all look to each other, waiting nervously, all too stunned to dare fear such a innapropriate suggestion of the couple. The giggling from the TV alerts our attention again and when we all look up- **Horror**.

'What is she…?' Rose asks confused.

My mother's hand squeezes his rib and suddenly, like Vampire speed suddenly, rips the clothed form to expose one fully erect-

We all scream hysterically and throw ourselves backwards away from the TV.

'WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE WATCHING?!' I yell to Emmett who is loudly choking on whatever he was chewing. Rose hits him on the back and with a large gulp he swallows.

There's gruff moans of hunger and desire leaving the TV and we all freak out again.

'SOMEONE TURN IT OFF!'

'WHO FILMS THIS SHIT?!'

'WHAT THE FUCK?!'

'Turn it off!' I half scream to Emmett, throwing my hands over my eyes as my mother, ESME THE BAMBI OF THE PACK TOUCHES UP... _CARLISLE_. Eurgh!

Alice is loudly singing to herself, covering her ears as she hides in the corner, Jasper has turned away, hiding from it as far as the living room will allow. Bella is catatonic.

 _Lord Almighty, look at the size of his-_

'Emmett!'

On the screen, there's more dirty sounds followed by the stumbled movements of the two 'characters'.

Emmett's suddenly fallen upon back breaking laughter when he looks to all of our horrified expressions of alarm, he realises that there's nothing to laugh at.

' _Oh Hon_.' The TV groans and suddenly there's a flash of pale skin as she exposes herself to the camera.

I DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT. SOMEONE BLEACH MY MOTHER FUCKING EYES!

'Why is it so big?!' Bella cries out, afraid and thus sickening me to the very tips of my toes and back again.

'EMMETT!'

'THE REMOTE ISN'T WORKING!' Rose squeals slamming it repeatedly onto her hand so it withers into a plastic mess.

'TURN IT OFF!' Jasper yells, horrified as the groaning gets louder.

'I'm going to be sick…' Bella whispers urgently. I throw my hands over her ears, then mine and freak the fuck out when the two people on screen…

 _Move together._

'TURN IT OFF!' I scream to Emmett and we all catch a horrible open eared low growl from the screen once again.

'The key is in the toilet!' He says hurriedly and we all harshly shove each other out the way to run as hurriedly as possible to the toilet.

The _empty_ , stainless toilet.

'Emmett!' Alice seethes, hands still over her ears as more animalistic moans leave the TV. Bella is looking paler than normal, I'm heavy with the need to drown in a vat of acid and Rose looks tormented.

'IT WAS RIGHT THERE!'

'It couldn't have been, you utter fool!' Rose bellows.

'Babe, it was there. I dropped it there! It was right-'

Bella is hyperventilating behind my head.

'You didn't?!' I whisper desperately. She dramatically throws herself to my chest to hide from the screaming in the living room.

'NO!' Five of us scream.

I grab Emmett by the collar of his shirt.

'There's got to be another?! There's got to be a spare key?!'

 _SHIIIIIT._ He thinks.

Oh-

No.

His large golden eyes lower to his stomach, we all tower around to glare at his abdomen.

'WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO?!' Rosalie yells, barely loud enough over the abhorrent moans from the TV.

'Turn it off!' Alice whines desperately. 'We've got to turn it off!'

No one wants to return to the living room but we do. We're all trying to avoid the TV, which is impossible when it's pretty much cinema size, and all look to one another for a needed answer.

'We've got to smash it!' Rose decides, lifting up her arm chair.

'WAIT!'

We all stare at Jasper who, though is horrified, is the only one not freaking out as badly as the rest of us. But I guess it was different for Rose, Emmett, Bella and I. The mouth which was currently centred on the genitals of my mother, had (and _would be_ in Bella's case) all been used to turn us. We were feeling unnaturally ill.

'WAIT?!' I repeat panicked as the groans behind got hoarser and throatier.

'If you break that TV, they'll know we watched the films. We'll be in huge shit!'

In his head, he plays what he imagines to be the scene of them walking in, seeing the discs and going mental at us and attacking. It's a warped idea and heavily graphic but admittedly, part of me still panics.

'What's the other plan?! Watch six porn films of our parents _on repeat_?!' I reply hysterically.

'You know what Esme said last week, if Emmett or I break another thing she's kicking us out-'

Was that a bad thing? Look at the mess they're getting us into now? As if to reaffirm my point, the TV blared out heavy pants and demands of;

' _UGH, Carlisle! YES!'_

I shudder.

'We'll blame Bella. They'd never get mad at her.' I say hurriedly. In the corner of my eye, I see how incredibly betrayed she looks and fight to ignore it.

'Wait!' Alice intervenes, mouth cast downward. 'Jasper is right.'

'WHAT?!' Rose and I shriek.

'Carlisle imported that TV from the IMAX in London. He'd be gutted if we broke it!'

'WE'LL BUY ANOTHER ONE?!' I scream, trying to be louder than the TV because that's all that's running through my head at the moment and I can't stop it.

'With his money?!'

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP MY MOTHER-IN-LAW FROM SCREAMING!' Bella pleads, squeezing her hands to her head as if trying to mould them together and make herself deaf.

I can't blame her.

'What do we do instead?!'

No.

No fucking way. Nope.

'There's no other choice, Edward.'

'WE ARE NOT PLAYING BORED GAMES WHILE WE WAIT, ALICE!'

'We'll just have to break the chains.' Rose decides, grabbing a fistful of the metal ready to tear inwards.

'NO!' Emmett yells. 'You do that and the foundation of the house will crumble.'

'THE _WHAT_?!'

'I wanted a family night.' He murmurs, looking sheepish.

'FAMLY NIGHT?! WE'RE WATCHING OUR PARENTS HAVE SEX! THAT IS NOT FAMILY NIGHT'

 _Actually-_

'SHUT UP, JASPER.'

'There's no choice Edward.' Alice says sadly.

'AND SO WE JUST WAIT?!'

'No, of course not. The cabinets are all locked up, it'll over-heat, it'll burn out, things will look natural and we can leave it all alone.'

I make the choice to run to the door and rattle the chains. 'AND JUST WAIT FOR THESE TO UNLOCK?! _OPEN SEASAME_?!'

'Calm down!' She yells back.

The over powered erotic scream flows from the TV and finally- finally- there's black.

'Thank Fuck-' Jasper mutters.

But after the sound of the DVD clicking over, the images on screen are a lot worse. And we scream again.

'WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!'

The sound of skin slapping is louder than the previous CD and with a horrendous groan, the skin lights up with what looks like a huge black –

'SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!' Bella cries, hiding her eyes in her shirt.

We all look to Emmett whose hand is lightly rubbing his stomach.

'Oh no-'

'If it goes down, it can come back up.'

* * *

Cut to about twenty minutes later and we're holding him upside down by his feet and squeezing on his stomach but nothing.

'I'm getting kinda bored now guys.'

'FOR FUCK SAKE EMMETT JUST VOMIT WILL YOU?!'

'Stick your hands down your throat!' Bella recommends.

'No gag reflexes.' He replies smugly and if he was up straight, you would see him shrugging. The comment, and the dirty grin behind it is beyond inappropriate and I'm desperate to land my hand into his face...

'Could always kick him in the stomach, see if that helps?' Alice suggests.

'HEY! NO!'

Rose, Jasper and I all look to each other. That's basically when the arguments descend.

'I SHOULD DO IT-'

'I SHOULD-'

'I'VE GOT MORE EXPERIENCE'

'HE'S _MY_ HUSBAND.'

'I've known them longer, it's only fair I get to kick him for making me listen to this…'

I pause and we all turn to the screen and shudder violently. She's gobbling on him…. I'm definitely going to be sick, how is Emmett fine with this?!

We decide to Rock, Paper Scissors for it but Bella interrupts.

'Let me have a go!'

And we all burst into fits of laughter.

'You'll hurt yourself.' I tell her.

'Just let me have a go, I could use the breakout.'

'No.'

'EDWARD!'

For once, Rosalie happily defends her. 'Oi, let her have a go. She deserves it just as much as us!'

'Thank you, Rosalie.'

I roll my eyes.

'Fine but use this.' And reaching around her I pull one of the baseball bats from under the sofa.

Let's just say it doesn't go to plan.

Emmet, though alarmed, loves a challenge and smiles happily for Bella to give it a shot. She lines the bat to his stomach, we step back and with a shudderingly loud crack, she collides the bat into his stomach.

We all look to the splintered stump in her hands, Emmett laughs, still upside down might I add, and out of frustration, Bella punches him as hard as she can in the abdomen.

'BELLA- _NO_!'

And a smaller shattering crunch echoes through the living room, no where near loud enough to cover the screams of our parents on TV.

My eyes widen, her mouth falls open. Her hand looks like a limp bit of meat.

'Oh...' Rosalie whispers, biting her lip trying not to laugh.

When Bella looks up to me, I can see the tears in her eyes from the shattering pain in her hand. She can't bring herself to make a sound, she can only show me the horrific looking thing. And it really is horrific.

'HEY! You're getting married in a few months!' Alice complains, looking to the mess that looks before us in claw-form.

I look to Rosalie.

'You've got to let me now.'

'It'd better work.' She warns, trying to fight the horrific smile on her proud face.

I take over Bella's step, measure my foot to his stomach and focus myself to ignore his pleas and whimpers as Rose and Jasper hold him down. I block out the groans from the TV and kick my flat foot as hard as I can into my brother's abdomen.

There's an awful choking noise as a tonne of blood and odd looking venom acid pours out his mouth and onto Esme's immaculate carpet. Behind me, Bella screams.

Like a pack of hounds we act. We drop Emmett who sorely rubs his nose and mouth and looks confused to the liquid on the floor. Five pairs of hands dive deep and coat themselves in the staining mess searching for the little bit of-

'FOUND IT!' Alice cheers. Her ivory skin, now coated in the murderous red, holds up a little stump of metal to the light. We crowd round it, eyes accidently black from the blood, and raise the metal upwards.

'We found it-' I cheer to Bella behind me but she's looking awfully faint and when I go to catch her, she pours out the insides of her stomach onto the white carpet, too.

'NO!'

' _I'm cuming_!'

Oh, FUCK OFF!

Still the pair on the TV continue to scream and move against each other despite the chaos in the home.

'Oh GOD!' We turn to Alice who lays out the metal in her hand.

It's metal…It's not a key…It's just a lump of weird useless metal that _used_ to resemble a key.

'What?' Emmett asks confused, wiping his mouth on his T-shirt. 'What's wrong?!'

'THE KEY?! THE KEY! IT'S-'

 _Did you want to rip his head off or should I?_

'THERE _IS_ NO KEY!' Jasper yells to Emmet, taking over in my hysteria.

'WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO?!'

'Edward, my hand hurts.'

'I know Bella, I know… just stay calm.'

I turn back to my siblings.

'What the fuck do we do now?!' I hiss, kneeling in the blood.

It hits me then. Not just the grotesque stench of the floor, not just the vile chants and demands coming from the TV or the horrific scenes of us vampires looking like Monsters in a blood bath.

It's the blood…on the carpet.

On the _pure_ white carpet.

'SHIT!'

'What?!' Rose asks confused.

'THE FLOOR! THE CARPET! WE'RE STAINING THE CARPET!'

'I told you we should done this in the kitchen!' Alice yells.

'Edward, I think I need to go the hospital…'

'Bella, I promise. Give me _two_ seconds and I'll be with you.' I wave behind me and attempt to rip out my heavy locks from my head while examining the ruined carpet.

'We need to get out of here!' Rosalie whines, hiding into Emmett who is breathing noisily.

'But the house!'

'Look at the carpet, Jasper. We're pretty much screwed already.'

'Edward, I really-'

'Just a minute, Love.' I say loudly, facing Alice who is glaring at the stained carpet. We are _so_ screwed.

'Yes but there's a difference between the _foundations of the house_ and a _carpet_ -' Rose argues.

'I CAN'T THINK WITH ALL THAT GROANING' I whine loudly, trying ferociously to block it out as another wave of pleasure takes both parents in the loudest moaning I've ever had the misfortune of hearing.

'We need to break the TV.'

'But Carlisle...' Alice murmurs.

'Edward!'

'TWO SECONDS, BELLA!'

'Can we break the TV without it looking like we've been watching at the discs?' Jasper asks.

'Why don't we just burn the discs as well? They're _parents_. They shouldn't be doing such-'

Bella, wobbling, gets up behinds me, attempts to push past me but in her rushing, slips on the bloodied floor and suddenly hits her head on the cabinet.

'BELLA!' I scream, running towards her as she holds her head. 'OH GOD. I'M SO SORRY! ARE YOU OKAY?! DON'T DIE.'

'She's not dead you fool, she's unconscious!' Rosalie grumbles, pushing me aside and looking over her face.

I can feel myself freaking out, all made worse when I take a brisk look to what used to be her perfect delicate hand now purple and troll like.

'WE HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!'

'But the chains!'

'Fuck the chains!' I scream back.

'If this house crumbles, we won't be long after it!' Jasper growls, grabbing my shoulder.

'Stay with me Bella, Stay with me!'

Alice quickly returns to my side with a cold flannel and her eyes wide. I could hear Bella's heart, the rushing of blood and her breathing all normal. But it still made me panic.

'She's fine, Edward!' Rosalie yells, pushing me away once again.

We're all interrupted by a loud scream from the TV as both reach their peak AGAIN. I whine out with them (obviously _not_ in the same manner) trying not to breathe as we crowd around Bella. The TV screams, Rosalie screams and in a blur, she throws a chair towards the wall.

We all shriek.

The chair catches the top of the TV as it passes straight through the wall with the loudest shattering I've ever heard.

Let me just repeat:

 _Through_ the wall.

'ROSALIE!'

'IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!' She screams immediately.

In horror, we all turn to each other once again. The TV hasn't stopped. The impact of the chair has simply distorted the images and when we hear the catching of the DVD changing over, we scream once again to see the discoloured images of yet another grotesque episode.

'I'll never watch porn again.' Emmett whines miserably, turning away from the vile POV shot from one vampire to the other.

The wall was a complete other thing.

There was just a large gaping hole where plaster and brick had previously been, the electricity wires hanging creepily through it.

' _Harder, Carlisle!_ '

'SOMEONE! PLEASE!'

Jasper was far more trustworthy than Rose and pushing her aside, he pulls the TV off the wall (taking the wallpaper and a few bricks with it) and crushes it to the carpet with his hands, so that the noisy screams of our parents burn out.

It's not the only thing that burns.

We're all more focused on Bella as she groggily opens her eyes and holds her head, whining softly.

'BELLA!' I breathe, trying not to grasp her too tightly when I pull her to me.

'What's burning?' She replies confused, holding her head with her normal looking hand.

'Burning?' Alice repeats.

We turn to where Jasper is shrugging. Behind him, like a great wall of colour and in fact replacing the light painted colours of the living room, is a large fire.

The phone rings.

'JASPER!'

'What?'

Rosalie shrieks even louder as Emmett pushes forward to stamp the flames and burns off the rubber frm his shoes. I pull him back immediately.

'FUCKING HELL, EMMETT?! You know how flammable we are! Someone, grab some water!'

The phone still rings. Buckets of water are grabbed and thrown onto the engulfing flames, flattering it in mere seconds. I take a greedy intake of breath.

We all stop. The phone continues to ring.

Now, to the right of the gaping hole in the wall, is the coating of the black smoke and beneath it, crumbled pieces of a very expensive TV.

'Hello?' Alice answer shakily.

'ALICE!' We yell.

And simultaneously, we all fight for the phone.

' _One at a time!_ ' Present day Carlisle chuckles. And in the fighting for the right to speak, the phone is crushed to dust within Jasper's grip.

'NO!'

'We're going to be in so much shit!' He warns, pausing all of us as we look furiously onto him.

'OH WELL! They're _returning_ home before anything else can happen!'

Someone else's phone rings, Bella picks it up and breathlessly answers with an untrusting voice. I snatch it off of her.

'CARLISLE?!'

' _Yes, sorry. Don't know what happened there, just thought we'd let you know that the weather-_ '

'COME HOME!' Rosalie begs into the receiver.

' _What was that?'_ He repeats confused.

'WE NEED YOU HOME IMMEDIATELY!'

'Come home, Carlisle.'

'Come back!'

' _YES, CARLISLE, DEEPER!'_

'HOW THE FUCK IS THAT STILL RUNNING?!'

Luckily, someone takes the time to jump on it and hard as they can so that the whirring of the disc falls silent. We all breathe just as noisily again.

' _What do you mean?! What's happened?!_ '

'I'm _really_ sorry!' Emmett yells, grasping for the phone from my grip, I swat his hand away.

'What's going on?!'

'WE NEED YOU HOME!' I repeat, panicked.

His tone turns serious. ' _How soon?_ '

'NOW CARLISLE! ASAP! IMMEDIATELY! URGENTLY! _EMERGENCY_!'

The phone falls quiet and together, we sit around and wait for the wrath of Titan.

* * *

Rather commendably, it really doesn't take them long to get home. That's not the bad bit. The bad bit is us waiting in the mess, nervously watching the door because we're far too scarred to move.

It crashes open, firstly with a bit of resistance before literally collapsing to the ground. We all huddle together like children. The walls and the beams creek warningly and then…

Safety. There's silence. Awful, deafening silence as Carlisle runs in followed by Esme at his heels looking insanely windswept.

'Are you _okay?!_ '

 _No_. We all agree.

He looks to all our faces. All of our sickened faces. I can't even look at him, not even slightly, just the thought…

'I'm going to be sick again…' Bella mutters, retching and turning her face away. But it's on rushing towards her that he falls upon the realisation.

His feet cross the carpet. The texture is different, he lifts his foot. He pulls up his shoe to look at it. Frowning harder, he looks at the floor; stained and vile smelling. From the floor to our damaged expressions. From us, the golden eyes turn to the gaping wall. Looking at the wall, alarmed, they pass to the smoked stained curtains. Those golden eyes are now turning amber. The amber grows darker. He looks to the floor where the TV has been crushed and with the darkest of eyes; he sees the DVDs.

He turns to Esme but it's too late.

'Stay there-'

Far too late.

'What happened?!' She asks, feigning her calmest fury, and focusing her attention on poor Bella, her hand (if it was still classed as that) and her head and then deciding to _only_ look at Bella.

 _Don't lose your temper. Don't lose your temper. Everything's fine. You're going mad_. Esme tells herself.

'Well?' She repeats.

'Urm.' Emmett starts, looking first at me and then to her, he shrinks away immediately so I take the narrative.

'Bella fell?'

And if seeing them naked on screen wasn't punishment enough, they make sure to act like all parents in the act of great yelling and murmurs of disappointment.


End file.
